*Still working on it .. but it won't beat me!
I was saying to myself today.. NOPE.. don't get on the scales.. but I did.. and it read...00.11lb 6 oz... *Up down up down.*
Still no news on change of day off for Daughter... *Starting to stress me out now*
Had a total binge out last night..*Don't know what happened*
Total Syns todate... 20.5 out of 105 and we are only on Wednesday!
B: 2 smal pears + 1 small banana
L: Spag bol Parm cheese 1.5
D: Spag bol Parm cheese 1.5 + SW friendly Rice Pud
AT: fruit erm.. lots...
Crisps 30gm 6
HA: 1 x Milk
HB: pork x2
Syns 29.5 total
Might just have some fruit for breakfast.....*Really missed not having any in.. why is healthy food cost so much*
List of things I have to try and get through this week..
Weed some of the garden
Clean boys out
Change spare beds
Hoover top lounge
Re-skim lounge wall and paint
Make cards for 18th birthday
*That will do for now*
But feeling so tired.. these darn hot flushes are starting to drive me mad and have noticed in the evening my darn bones ache... *I don't want to get old*
Must pull myself together!
Where has the time gone!!...
Nothing prepared for dinner either... no idea what I want.. might do spag bol that is quick and easy.
When we went out yesterday GOS and I got this bag of plaster... well I kid you not.. by the time I mixed it put it on my hawk.. got up the ladder and put it on my trowel to put on the wall it was nearly set.. I got one sweep across the wall and that was it... not like UK plaster where you can wet it and smooth it over either... *Total disaster... just hoping I can sand it down...more dust!! Oh and I will look like a Yeti.. hate being covered in dust!*
I can't believe it... so gutted.. wanted that all sanded down today so I can get on with painting it in the morning and then getting my house back in order..*Bah*
Food front isn't going well today... just had an apple... I need to drink more.. *Wine would be good and into a real drunken stupor at the moment the way that wall has made me feel...I tell you Shirley Valentines wall wouldn't have done that to her!!*
My hair feels like straw...today isn't turning out as planned. *But still must think thin*
Was wondering today.. do people think my rambling are bizzare.. cause really they might be normal.. I mean we all have odd thoughts and what is an odd thought anyway... I mean ... if I had told you 100 years ago *Not that you were around then or I for that fact* that you would be sat with a keyboard and screen and typing to people all over the world... that is bizzare!
I have just been informed that my father's lady friend is coming to visit... Mmm now where do I put her... Do I allow her to stay in my father's room? What if she doesn't want to? Well I will just make beds and hope for the best. Might tell him I have put light senor alarms round the house.. so not to wonder around ...*Hehehe.. oh is that mean?*
Nice to notice that I have had the odd message left on the side panel... doesn't make me feel so alone... *Puts hand to brow and lifts head looking all lost*
I knew I should have been in television...Drama Queen no doubt GOS would say!
Well sitting here on my butt isn't going to get that wall done now is it... So glad really you can't see me... here I am .. white dusty hair... white vest top and red cut off trousers that are too big and red crocs!! *Not attractive I tell you* Oh and this darn plaster stuff down my chest and a dusty hand print on my butt..
*Sneeze.. sneeze..* Time to clean up...
Just had a thought... Are bat wing tops back in fashion? *As was thinking about dinner ladies arms and what best way to hide them than in a batwing top!* Ahh I remember those days... even remember rara skirts... not that I ever had the legs to wear them.... Some of my school friends did... *Hate them all .. hate them do you hear me hate hate hate.... Oooo wonder if most of them still look good...?*
I did remember a few years ago seeing one girl from school... in fact was hard to recongise her... she was walking along the sea front with a push chair and another child holding on.. she looked shattered.. worn and well dragged through a hedge backwards... *Was mean of me to revel in that moment.. but I AM human.. well mostly* She had dark rings round her eyes.. crows feet wrinkles...she looked a wreck... and I thought back to how she was before .. at school.. the pretty girl.. everyone wanted to look like... slim.. lovely hair.. sparkling eyes.. lovely smile.. attracted people.. *Like flies to s**t.. opps sorry!* And now there she was... worn out.. then I thought.. I wonder what life had thrown at her... my feeling of self pride for not looking like that soon passed and turned to pity as such. She could have had a terrible few years and that made me feel rather sad... *But it didn't last and I went off feeling better about myself!*
I guess what I am saying is... make the most of what you have as you never know when it will be gone!... I am sure we have all had better times.. but then doens't mean we are not again... so keep smiling...
*Oh all that thinking has made me hungry.. *
Still not done my dance for GOS.. you know the sexy one I was on about.. .. *was thinking of Pole Dancing again... but not sure my wrists could cope with it.. let alone the pole...might have to give it more thought*
I have to make GOS ice cream today.. *Sulks*
7.30 ish pm
Well all showered .. spag bol is on.. thin pasta is on.. and I thought I would nip here.. just while it is cooking...
Ouch... I sneezed earlier and pulled a muscle in my back.. *Now that is a sign of old age*
Oh brother on phone!
I know... what am I still doing up! Was watching the box and it got me thinking.. *Dangerous I know!*... but was thinking to why we allow ourselves to get overweight.. insecurity..something to hide behind.. lack of confidence.. being told that your not good enough... there are so many reasons...
Having been sent a photo of myself prior to my 4 stone weight loss.. it does really upset me. How could I have allowed myself to get like that? Why allow myself to get like that even! I am not going to come up with excuses.. which I know I have... but have now realised it is all down to self worth.
No one has a right to make us feel that we have no right to be who we are.. or feel how we do... but some still have powers above that manage to drag you down. Myself.. sadly never having a good relationship with my biological mother and throughout the years.. it has affected me deeply and still does. It wasn't till I was talking to a good friend that it really made me think.... I have spent my whole life worry about what others think of me... I had always been told that what ever I did or do was never good enough... always trying to please... so no wonder I never have had a good opinion of myself.
My whole life.... and what a waste that is... I know our past is what makes us who we are today... but those are years... many years that I will never get back.... My friend is very confident.. and I have to say... she is wonderful... she has spoken to me on my good days and bad days... and she never lies to me...and I have the utmost respect for her. It was talking to her...that makes me think... or should I say think more.
One day I have to cut these painful ties from my past to move forward...and I feel this is one of the reasons I have for many years tried to hide behind... but I am going to try to stop hiding... and learn to be and love me! *Not going to be easy.. but I will try most things once...*
I am glad that I have taken the step to change my life... and often when people take step forward ... they do a lot of self discovery... also sometimes partners don't like seeing change... they react not always in a good way to start with. But I think we have to remember why we are wanting to change our lives... and who we are doing it for... Me it is for me... just for me.
Ahh well.. enough serious rambling...*Going to practice some sexy moves before I perform for GOS*
Night all... sleep well!